Christians are straight up FREAKS
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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