whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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