he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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