I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
In other news, I just burned my penis
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
