I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Who died my cat blue again?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
