i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm too high and old for this...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
