Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
