Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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