So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You are the jesus of drinking
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
