i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
