Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
