Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
