Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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