I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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