A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
