The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
