i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
