just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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