that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
