I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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