he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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