That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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