I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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