i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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