I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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