I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
