The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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