I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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