My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
