Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
