I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
