We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
