I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
