so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
