she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
