clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
