I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
