why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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