it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
