your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
