After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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