goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
