proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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