apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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