I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize