Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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