Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm really busy with my period
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