I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
