Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
