Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
