Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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