dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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