I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
