Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
