you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
