mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
