well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
