Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
