As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
