just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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